My internal clock is thrown off. No, it is more like shaken, broken, and thrown on the floor and stomped upon for good measure. Unless I am in class, I never have any idea what time it is anymore! It's very odd. I'm usually aware of my night-owl tendency. And as funky as my circadian rhythm gets, I can still keep track of the ungodly hour at which I am awake. 516 AM? Hmm.... I should sleep soon.
Now, I wonder -- 2 PM? and look outside to find no sun in my window. I am confused, and stare at the bottom right corner of my computer screen which reads 1259 AM. Wtf? Is it the odd nap times? The hypomania? My usual issues of fear surrounding sleep subconsciously subverting of my desire/need of sleep? I am not sure. But I think today will be another day of no night time sleep.
1. My reading is slowing down. This is a sign of my depression or whatever it is kicking in. Hopefully I can manage to stay focused a little longer though. I really need myself to stay on track here, since I have my MA thesis due in September on top of all this SCT stuff. But I sense my studying is steadily worsening. I technically have all ADD symptoms, but am not diagnosed with it because one diagnostic criteria of ADD is that nothing else can account for it. And for me, well... I have _____, _____, ____, etc,etc,etc,theneverendinglaunfrylist of issues that account for them instead. In any case, studying has become a bit more tedious these past couple of days, and I am encountering some cognitive impairment here. I was at normal reading speed before I got here. I am at about 10-15 a night right now. Not too bad, but I will really need to step it up. But then again my worst is about paragraph a night, lol. So as long as I don't get there, I won't complain much about it.
2. I am amazingly broke. Whee!
3. Did you know that both BPD and bipolar disorder used to be on the same spectrum as schizophrenia? They are no longer anymore, and are very disparate disorders, but I recently learned this and find it very interesting. And while they should not be confused, and I'm not schizophrenic, or schizoaffective, or schizotypal, etc., I can see how this makes sense! I can now see why, I find the paranoiac filmic worlds of David Lynch relatable in a very literal way. He captures so well the tension, the bizarre sense of reality, the fear.
What it feels like to live inside my skin past sundown?: