It is only day four since I've flown out here from LA, and I am already falling apart.
Today was okay. Yesterday was not.
I had a a little downer -- not fun. I am notoriously bad at being away from home. I don't know what it is.... I think it kicks my BPD into high gear, which equals increased stress, anxiety, etcccccccccccccccccetcetc. And I know it's only been four days (three days last night), but everything has already started to crumble. I started to collapse internally, brain went into shut-down mode, body went into fetal position. Well, after a little boo-hoo-ing and self-destructive behavior, I took two PRNs. They kicked in. Then about an hour later, I started getting hypomanic. It was fun for a while, but I started to come down again. Bad. Back into fetal position. Yay for rapid cycling.
I decided I needed some help while I'm here and that I would call counseling services today. Turns out, I can't go to the school since I'm not technically a student here. This is not good, since I was hoping for a med change. Klonopin "works," but just not fast enough you know? I feel all calm and sleepy after about 20 minutes. But what's the point in that when by the time those 20 minutes are over, your body looks live you've got a case of stigmata and you've spewed like the girl in The Exorcist? Nothing. So, I need a faster-acting Benzo. I'm still in the process of working with the school so that I can get the support I need while I'm here. Hopefully it doesn't fall through.
As for the not-so-bad-today, I just got back from a garden party for our program. I was debating missing it -- I'm not much of a schmoozer. But it actually wasn't too bad, and I even managed to make some people laugh with some stories.
JK. That's a scene from Wedding Crashers. But it really was a lot like that though. Very shi-shi East Coast.
Now, I'm at home and a little nervous I'll have a repeat of last night. Box of chocolate chip cookies and chocolate bar are ready at hand. (Please let me know if any of you reading find this too triggering, I will be more cautious.) Oh, and bottle of PRNs. We'll see how it goes.