Thursday, June 17, 2010


It is only day four since I've flown out here from LA, and I am already falling apart.

Today was okay. Yesterday was not.

I had a a little downer -- not fun. I am notoriously bad at being away from home. I don't know what it is.... I think it kicks my BPD into high gear, which equals increased stress, anxiety, etcccccccccccccccccetcetc. And I know it's only been four days (three days last night), but everything has already started to crumble. I started to collapse internally, brain went into shut-down mode, body went into fetal position. Well, after a little boo-hoo-ing and self-destructive behavior, I took two PRNs. They kicked in. Then about an hour later, I started getting hypomanic. It was fun for a while, but I started to come down again. Bad. Back into fetal position. Yay for rapid cycling.

I decided I needed some help while I'm here and that I would call counseling services today. Turns out, I can't go to the school since I'm not technically a student here. This is not good, since I was hoping for a med change. Klonopin "works," but just not fast enough you know? I feel all calm and sleepy after about 20 minutes. But what's the point in that when by the time those 20 minutes are over, your body looks live you've got a case of stigmata and you've spewed like the girl in The Exorcist? Nothing. So, I need a faster-acting Benzo. I'm still in the process of working with the school so that I can get the support I need while I'm here. Hopefully it doesn't fall through.

As for the not-so-bad-today, I just got back from a garden party for our program. I was debating missing it -- I'm not much of a schmoozer. But it actually wasn't too bad, and I even managed to make some people laugh with some stories.

JK. That's a scene from Wedding Crashers. But it really was a lot like that though. Very shi-shi East Coast.

Now, I'm at home and a little nervous I'll have a repeat of last night. Box of chocolate chip cookies and chocolate bar are ready at hand. (Please let me know if any of you reading find this too triggering, I will be more cautious.) Oh, and bottle of PRNs. We'll see how it goes.


  1. Don't beat yourself up because things seem to be falling apart "so fast". Change is scary and change is stressful... it takes time to get used to everything. I'm proud of you for taking the step to go out there in the first place. Seriously.

  2. Thanks Erin, you're right. I do hope things get a littler easier soon.

  3. Aw, don't feel bad. As you say day 4 seems a little easier compare with day 3. I am so proud of you getting so far and trying to get help :) Stay strong! I am always around! XXX