Tuesday, July 13, 2010


Hi all,

Sorry I haven't posted anything substantial in a while. I haven't been feeling too well, and have had work to keep up with on top of that. Apologies beforehand for the non-cohesive rambling ahead.

A lot of the weekend after my boyfriend left (last Thursday), I spent contemplating if I needed to be in the hospital or not and trying to stay out. My sleep has been pretty horrible and so has the eating, but mood-wise I've been mostly okay. For a couple of days I was sleeping around 8 or 9 A.M., and after drawing blood yesterday I was done. Since I've been dehydrated due to the eating, that was enough to exhaust me. I crashed out for a record 20 hours! I think I was too tired for the past two days to think about my mood. Today's been the worst day since last Tuesday or so.

I've been trying to do work for the past couple of hours, but with the mood and anxiety today, looks like it's a no-go. Also quite tired. I will try again in an hour or two, but as for the questions that need to be posted for every seminar by 10:30 P.M.... there goes 10:30. I was stressing about it for a second, but I just decided it's not worth the chaos of emotions coupled with impulsive self-destructive behaviors for two goddamn questions that need to be posted. My professor has also been notified about my on-the-brink-of-hospitalization-health, so I'm hoping she doesn't hold it against me too much.

Oh! I've also finally got around to seeing someone here starting last week. I've been seeing the pscyh and therapist 2x/wk since, which has been helpful. I'm debating if I need the hospital for just a day or something, but I'm worried if I go in tomorrow, I won't be discharged by Friday, which of course means discharge on Monday, and I really don't wanna miss class again (since I overslept again on Monday, yesterday). I will see how I feel after class tomorrow.

Anyways, nothing amazing to say. Just thought I would drop a line about how things are going.


  1. I'm curious: what is it about being in the hospital that you think you need? Not saying that like, "oh you THINK you need it" or "oh what a weak pathetic person who NEEDS the hospital", I'm honestly really curious. I was inpatient for about 3 weeks then outpatient for 2, I think, and I'm still not sure what it was about being in the hospital that made anything better. Is it to protect yourself from yourself? Is it because you need a respite? Is there something innate about the hospital that gives relief? You don't have to answer if you don't want to, of course, but I'd like to know.

  2. my timeline is a bit like yours as well. when i went inpatient the second time, it was to protect myself from myself, yes, since i was having strong suicidal ideations.

    otherwise, i guess i really appreciated the amount of support that i received, since at that point in my life, almost nobody knew anything about my mental health. so to even be able to talk about it and get it off my chest and have people there 24/7 who were willing to listen was very helpful for me. also, since a big part of why i was in there was due to ptsd, and the environment for some reason really helped bring down my paranoia and fear.

    do you feel it didnt help you at all?

  3. no, i definitely think it helped me. i was really in crisis by the time i got to mclean, mostly work-related stress and marriage issues weighing too heavily on a mind already bent on disaster. it was the break i needed to get away from my life, and it gave me the strength to make some big changes. my mother is terrified that i'll wind up in the hospital again, but i really think it was the best thing that ever happened to me. i just can't put a finger on WHAT exactly was so helpful. thank god for meds, that's all i've gotta say :)

  4. i have been in the hosp since then, and let me tell you... not every hospital is mclean lol. i wish it were!

    it was also one of the best things i ever did for myself as well. and like you say, it is a respite from the world that seems to be demanding so much from you.

    im glad youve been doing better, and i hope some of those issues you were dealing with have been resolved. you seem like a strong woman, and i know you can pull through!