Thursday, December 30, 2010


For about roughly 2 1/2 weeks, I've been eating non-stop. And by non-stop I mean from about 130 PM, when I usually wake up, to 4 or 5 AM, when I go to bed. There are occasional 1 hour breaks, but it has been the most eating I've done since I acquired this eating disorder. I've gone from fluctuating between a size 0 and 2, to only-my-jeggings-fit (I'm guessing a size 6) in about two months. I'm horrified to say the least. But no matter how much I want or try, or what I try to trick my mind into thinking, I end up eating.

What is the worst about all this is not the weight gain (shh, I'm trying to be logical), but it's hiding food in my closet, scheduling my day around eating, coordinating friendships around what restaurants have private bathrooms or those stalls that are like rooms for additional privacy, and mentally preparing for the moment (god forbid) that I will run out of things to eat.

I'd like to think that one day, all this madness will cease and my obsession with food will go away. But for now, looks like the addiction is here to stay.

Thursday, December 23, 2010


I've been thinking a lot lately about what I want to do with my life. It's that time of year. Yep, it's already application season again. This should finally be the last time, more or less. See, I've decided to tempt fate by applying to five schools for a PhD in Visual Studies related fields and to one MA program in Psychology.

Here is where I'm stuck. Do I give up what I love to do (i.e. academia) and pursue a more realistic route? Am I capable of handling a career within the university? So far, it doesn't look too good. My mental health is chronic. Ending up in the hospital again is more than likely, and educational delay is highly possible (in fact, that's already started!). But how can I so easily give up what fuels my heart? On the other hand, is it worth my sanity? Should I literally risk my sanity or even dying just so I can prove something to myself that I really don't need to prove? I wouldn't mind... In fact, I would love to find stability in a secure job and nice home. Not to mention, while clinical psychology is not the love of my life, I do care enough about it to make a career out of it.

Of course, the options will grow more narrow as decision letters start to roll in. I guess my future is up to the admissions committees across the country. Wish me luck!


issa nother night
pressure gettin high
tension gettin thick
issall becomin too much
its gettin kinda rough
but gotta keep goin'on goin'on
cuz night fall come already now (damn)
and issa live or die thing