Sunday, March 20, 2011


I'm making a big move.

For many, it may seem banal. But for myself, I know I risk my sanity. I've decided that I can no longer deal with the weight gain that is the side effect of my medications. Unfortunately, this means reducing meds that have been very effective for me until now. While it has been really (and I mean really, really, really) helpful, it's made my eating out of control enough to depress me and cause me to self-harm more frequently the past two weeks.

I know it's the meds because I've been restricting more and working out regularly and I'll drop one pound a week. Maybe. And I've been abusing laxies more which is something I almost never due. But I've simply gotten that desperate. All in all, it's not worth it for me to take this strength of meds if it's going to result in me getting more engulfed in my ED and cruddy mood. I mean this is not 5 or 10 pounds we're talking about here. It's 30. And as if I didn't have enough problems with weight and food.

So, while I'm not planning to entirely get off my drugs (I mean, I do need to retain some semblance of humanity, here.), I would like to taper down a bit. I'm reducing my 800 mg of Seroquel at night, though I'll keep the 25 mg 3x a day. Within the last month I've tapered down my Depakote 250mg 3x a day to 125 mg 2x a day. I'm happy staying there for now. I have more faith with tapering down on Depakote since I haven't been on it as long and it's not my "main" one. The Seroquel I am nervous about. I started tapering down yesterday and took 700 mg. I will keep tapering till I get down to 500 or 600 mg, depending on how things go. No major withdrawal yet since it probably is still in my blood. However, I am veryyyyyy tired. I think this might be from some mild depression settling in due to the decrease in Seroquel that's making me want to crawl into bed all day. I also had mild halluncinations last night, but nothing too horrible.

Sorry for a dull entry filled with so many numbers. Wish me luck! I hope this helps.

Saturday, March 19, 2011


Why am I falling apart right now...

Thursday, March 10, 2011


This past weekend, I spent Friday afternoon to Monday night visiting Berkeley for an admitted students event.

Not only am I excited about the opportunity I've been given to study in this particular department, I've also come to a point in my life that I've been working so hard for, for the past three years of my life. Getting my PhD is finally a reality. I'm proud. And not in a pompous way. It's not the school or the department that I feel the urge to boast about. I'm proud that despite the hardships I've dealt with, the difficulties with my health, and other miscellaneous challenges in my life, I've achieved a huge dream of mine.

But I still have my reservations. I am notoriously horrible when it comes to living away from Los Angeles. I might have to be away from my boyfriend, who is a large part of my support system. I will have ton build an entirely new treatment team. But really, it's the idea of living alone that I am nervous about. I know the monsters in the closet will seem that much more horrifying. Eating will become an even stronger addiction that I already know I'll succumb to, willingly. Slight mood changes will become debilitating.

I'm trying to focus on the positive though. This IS my dream, indeed, and I hope to maintain it as such. No need to turn my dream into a nightmare this early in the game. I hope setting up a strong plan will help ease some of the anxiety I'm having about this. If any of you have suggestions, I'd be more than happy to hear them.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Interesting link re: EDNOS.