Thursday, April 28, 2011

HELLO FROM... SCAREDY CAT

"It is not possible to be obsessed with food or anything else and to be truly intimate with ourselves or another human being; there is simply not enough room. Yet all of us want intimacy. We all want to love and be loved.

Once we had no choice; now we do."

- Geneen Roth, "When Food Is Love"
This book has been really good to me. I refrain from highlighting one passage because it would lead to me highlighting the whole book. It's a must for anyone who has problems with food and relates love to pain. The above quote really hits home for me. Especially since I have been thinking about my relationship with my boyfriend a lot lately. I've complained a lot about my insecurities recently, and it has gotten to a point where I feel I am being unfair to the relationship and him as my fears overtake the reality of the situation. So I've been reflecting about it a lot, and I've found this book at an opportune time. (There are some more passages below that hold special significance for me.)

Back to the quote. I feel relief when I read it because I relate so much to the author's own feelings on love and abandonment. Yet, the last sentence scares me, because it is true. I am an adult now, and I have the option to make the choice, which I once did not have. I'm scared of being scared, and that's precisely how I got to where I am, isn't it? The problem is that I have no idea where to go from here and how. And even if I did, how do I overcome my fear of getting better (I know this sounds odd, but I'll have to dedicate a separate entry to that topic to give it due space.)? How will I ever feel strong enough to be willing to stand -- and fall, on my own two feet?

"Compulsion is despair on the emotional level. Compulsion is the feeling that there is no one
home. We come compulsive to put someone home.
All we ever wanted was love.
We didn't want to become compulsive about anything. We did it to survive. We did it to keep
from going crazy. good for us."

"Love and compulsion cannot coexist.
Love is the willingness and ability to be affected by another human being and to allow that
effect to make a difference in what you do, say, become.
Compulsion is the act of wrapping ourselves around an activity, a substance, or a person to
survive, to tolerate and numb our experience of the moment.
Love is the state of connectedness, one that includes vulnerability, surrender, self-valuing,
steadiness, and a willingness to face, rather than run from, the worst of ourselves.
compulsion is a state of isolation, one that includes self-absorption, invulnerability, low
self-esteem, unpredictability, and fear that if we faced our pain, it would destroy us. "

"We create drama by externalizing pain, by making things hard between ourselves in relationships instead of being honest about how hard it is inside ourselves."

Sunday, April 17, 2011

HELLO FROM... SEPERATION ANXIETY

My boyfriend is gone for the weekend at Coachella/visiting home and I've been having horrible separation anxiety about it.

I've had separation anxiety for as long as I can remember. I remember being five years old and crying at night imagining my parents dying without warning and envisioning their gravestones. These days, the feelings are reserved for significant others for the most part. I get nervous that the person will get hurt while away, never come back, forget that I exist, or all of the above. I'm a lot better now, but there have been times when I've even freaked about people leaving to go to the bathroom. Nowadays, I can manage to not cry and remain calm for the five minutes it takes for him to return. I guess it helps to be in a healthy relationship in which I feel safe.

So, my boyfriend is coming back tomorrow, and I'll see him on Tuesday but that seems so far away. I've been trying to keep myself occupied with other friends and have been sleeping a lot to quell the emotions, but it's not really working. I can't focus long enough to do work. I can't stop the obsessive thoughts. I can't keep the overwhelming fear and sadness at bay.

Honestly, I don't know where I'm going with this entry. I just had to get words out because I feel so horrible. I wish I wasn't like this. I wish I didn't have the emotions of an abandoned four year old. I have no idea how to make it through the night. I feel so lost. I am craving some kind of security and have no clue where to find it. (Okay, let's not front. Where else besides in blades and toilets?)

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

HELLO FROM... CRAVINGS

Since my last entry, my med adjustments have gone relatively well. I do feel more susceptible to my emotions, but I do feel some of the affect flattening (part of the reason I wanted to taper down) has gone away. Two sides of the same coin.

One thins that has come up since I've gone down on the meds is that I find myself craving drugs. Hardcore. (For those who don't know, I have a history of substance abuse and have OD'd twice. Though I;ve stayed off street drugs since 2006, I used pharmaceuticals on and off beginning 2007, but am not clean since last October.) I smoked a lot and drank a lot last week. I haven't smoked like that since 2006. And all the meanwhile, I was aware it was just a poor substitute for the pills I could not get my hands on. I believe there are two reasons for this. 1) I'm dealing with my emotions more, thus I feel more of a need to run away from them. 2) The lack of meds that my body is feeling = craving compensation with more drugs.

There are some other things I'm currently dealing with, but I don't want to overwhelm you with a lengthy entry or excessive details. I'll post again soon.