Sunday, April 17, 2011

HELLO FROM... SEPERATION ANXIETY

My boyfriend is gone for the weekend at Coachella/visiting home and I've been having horrible separation anxiety about it.

I've had separation anxiety for as long as I can remember. I remember being five years old and crying at night imagining my parents dying without warning and envisioning their gravestones. These days, the feelings are reserved for significant others for the most part. I get nervous that the person will get hurt while away, never come back, forget that I exist, or all of the above. I'm a lot better now, but there have been times when I've even freaked about people leaving to go to the bathroom. Nowadays, I can manage to not cry and remain calm for the five minutes it takes for him to return. I guess it helps to be in a healthy relationship in which I feel safe.

So, my boyfriend is coming back tomorrow, and I'll see him on Tuesday but that seems so far away. I've been trying to keep myself occupied with other friends and have been sleeping a lot to quell the emotions, but it's not really working. I can't focus long enough to do work. I can't stop the obsessive thoughts. I can't keep the overwhelming fear and sadness at bay.

Honestly, I don't know where I'm going with this entry. I just had to get words out because I feel so horrible. I wish I wasn't like this. I wish I didn't have the emotions of an abandoned four year old. I have no idea how to make it through the night. I feel so lost. I am craving some kind of security and have no clue where to find it. (Okay, let's not front. Where else besides in blades and toilets?)

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