Monday, May 30, 2011


Due to the reasons I wrote about in my last entry, I've lost a couple of pounds. I'm still at my heaviest, but I'm the lightest I've been in TWO months. It's the most "success" I've had since I began gaining uncontrollably after my last hospitalization.

*Deep sigh.* *Seriously deep sigh.* Half of me is quite triggered by this and wants to keep on restricting and lose, lose, lose. (Okay, maybe more like 87% of me.) The other part of me from two entries ago is disappearing quickly, the longer I keep myself from recovery.

The question is how. How do I recover? I've never contemplated the idea of recovery until a month or so ago. I don't have a regular therapist right now, nonetheless one that specializes in EDs. Yes, it's mostly my responsibility to recover. And it's definitely my choice. And that's all well and fine, but I need someone to guide me. I am too deep in this addiction to pull myself out of this one all by myself. The voices are too strong. Addiction controls your thoughts, confuses you. Sooner or later, you don't know which way is up or down or sideways or inside out. Sooner or later, the persistence of the addiction disguises itself as stability and tricks you into its arms.

1 comment:

  1. Hey! I'm also in recovery so I completely understand. Whenever my weight goes down, my doctors get upset with me, but there is something about the weight loss that makes me feel I "still got it". My biggest suggestion? Try to find a therapist. Seriously, it is usually considered the most important part of the recovery process; after all, eating disorders are very mental. With that said, I am so proud of you for actually gaining weight without a therapist. That is incredible! But like you point out, the voices are too strong to do alone. You can always start with the school counselor if you have no where else to turn. Believe me, it's better than nothing.

    Good luck!