Monday, May 2, 2011

HELLO FROM... SQUARE ONE

I have some things to say that are very difficult. I have decided to attempt recovery from my ED as well as go back on one of my meds. I've held onto my ED like a sack of heroin, and not once entertained the idea of giving it up till now.

I had a very rough weekend. I totally broke down while I was hanging out with my boyfriend on Friday. About what, I don't even know. The amalgamation of fear, sadness, and anger become too much for me to retain inside myself and continue suffering quietly. In other words, I had an mixed episode. I became the me I was before I went on meds. My world crumbled, my sense of self -- utterly chaotic. It wasn't an argument as much as it was me freaking out, and then my bf freaking out about me freaking out, and me getting even more freaked out because I thought he would leave me any second -- unable to bear the burden and the monster that I was.

Anyways, long story short, after a close call (to heading back into the hospital) I am doing better with the higher dosage of Seroquel though I still feel a little bruised from that night. The day after, I got to thinking about myself and my relationship. I had two options. I could go on being my stubborn self and have my way but not gain a damn thing. Yes, I'd keep my ED, I'd keep my cutting, I'd have my fancy stolen things. But I would lose my bf, lose me, lose my chance to live. Or, I could try and get better. Yes, it will be horrifyingly scary for a couple of months, maybe even years, but I will end up with me in the end. I will have a life not governed by fear.

I am on day 2 and it is hard.

The actual act of eating is hard. I have chosen to trust my mind and body about when I should eat and when I should not. Eating "normally" and listening to my body is hard. It is hard because it tells me things I don't want to hear: "I am hurt," My heart is breaking," "I am scared," "I am so fucking lost." It is also hard because there will be the initial weight gain as you eat regular meals and keep all your food down. Already, thoughts of giving up cloud my mind. My ED whispers to me to b/p just one more time. I think about giving up and purging and fasting to thinness. But I am going to stick with this. I need to have faith in myself and in my body.

2 comments:

  1. i feel a sense of calm and acceptance in your post. good for you for your rational, positive and hopeful outlook right now. thanks for your comment on my blog too. take care of yourself.
    dietcolagirl

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  2. agreed - sounds like you may have hit a turning point... ? It's hard, I know. It's still hard. But it's POSSIBLE, and that's the important part.

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