Wednesday, May 25, 2011

HELLO FROM... ?

I apologize for not having written for a while. I've finally finished coursework for my MA! So I've been busy finishing up my last semester! Onto my PhD in the fall! I do have my thesis to complete, something I've been struggling with for a whole year now. But I feel more confident about it now than I have previously.

For the most part, I've been doing well. Since the last post, I've increased my Seroquel which has definitely helped me stabilize my mood. I should cut the Depakote first instead of the Seroquel. I went backwards. I have no idea why I did that since Seroquel has never done me wrong. So now I'm completely off the Depakote and back on 600 mg of Seroquel and feel pretty balanced. My erratic mood has definitely gone (I'm sure my boyfriend is very excited about that.). My relationship is great, I'm excited about where I am in my academic career.

The only unfortunate thing was this past Sunday when my mom made a comment about my weight. I'm at my highest right now. It wasn't anything more severe than usual. But somehow I think it was the emotional straw that broke the camel's back. I usually feel like shit for an hour then get over it. But this time.... I slept over at my boyfriend's after slamming the door in my mom's face. I cried for a couple hours -- both out of feeling intensely hurt and feeling extremely guilty about getting upset with my mom.

Well, since then my appetite has really diminished. I've been restricting a lot, though not quite intentionally. It's the kind of absence of desire of food that one has when depressed. Which is sort of how I feel I guess. I feel highly uncomfortable living at home right now. And my mom (having noticed me eating less, and knowing why I was upset on Sunday) just walked in, and said, "So, are you on a diet now?" Ugh. My parents don't know about my ED, but I don't know. I don't even know what to say. I just feel crushed. I've been eating very minimally in front of her since then. And now I think I should not eat at all around her.

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