Wednesday, June 29, 2011

HELLO FROM... AT HOME

Well, I managed to come out of this one alive. I can't say totally unscathed, but I've finally come out the other end of the madness. Sans hospital. Though in all honesty, I probably should've been in there. I just didn't feel like ending up in there for two weeks, when I knew in my heart that I only needed to be there till I stayed on my period. I also thought if they changed my med dosage it would be kind of misjudged, since I was PMSing and it wasn't my "normal" state. I also wanted/needed to progress with my thesis. It's so rare I get in work mode these days, that I really couldn't imagine giving that up for a week in the hosp. So, here I am.

There's not much in other news besides my ED. That problem, has yet to dissipate. Yea, I know on the outside everything looks dandy. I'm a little over average weight. I eat normally in public. I no longer pass out, have irregular heartbeat, low blood pressure, etc. But it's there. And at this moment I want to let it swallow me whole. I'm not quite sure yet why. Maybe I'm triggered by being at my heaviest. I don't know.

Well, I have some stuff to write about school, but I'll have to update later since my meds are kicking in for the night.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

HELLO FROM... UNCERTAIN

Things have been very difficult this past week. Like I mentioned in my last entry, I've been noticing things gradually worsening. Well, with the added factor of PMSing, it has been very hard the last couple of days.

I've been debating whether or not to go to the hospital or not. I keep telling myself to just hang on till Wednesday when I'll get my period, and hopefully this will ease up. But it just keeps getting worse and worse. I guess some of the reasons I'm staying out is because the suicidal thoughts are not that severe. Also, I feel pretty clear headed. I can't even open a book and my concentration is zero, but there isn't much dissociating. My memory is decent. The self-harm thoughts are there, but that's not too out of the ordinary.

I don't know. When is bad, really bad, you know? When is enough, enough? When is too much, too much? I feel so lost and unsure about what my next step should be.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

HELLO FROM... INSECURE

I feel like I'm drowning in my insecurities. This is not your average "Oh I wish I was skinny/pretty like her," and moving on in the next 30 minutes as that person walks away. This is more like "What the &!$%^# is wrong with me?!?! Should I jump off the bridge or stick my head in the oven? Slit my wrists or hang myself?"

So okay, maybe I don't plan on carrying out such plans. But they do definitely cross my mind during the height of such self-doubt. After something that rekindled my insecurity today I cut myself for the first time in MONTHS. I had been doing so well in that department. How can insecurity become this painful and crippling? How does it go from being those passing 30 minutes to causing my emotions dip to dangerous levels?

All from looking at magazines and entertaining the possibility that my boyfriend could find someone else besides me attractive. I know it seems absurd. But I have to say that the issue of incest has been resurfacing (after joining dailystrength.com's support groups and reading about others' experiences), and that I think my increased insecurity this past weekend is very much related to my emotions tied to the abuse and my PTSD. On one hand, this makes me feel somewhat relieved that I can tie my insecurities to a objective reason (struggle as I may with denial about the reality of it). I'm not just crazy. There's a serious explanation for this.

On the other hand, I've been having to deal with the incest issue and PTSD. Not easy when you live at home. I am planning on moving in the beginning of August for school, but am now tempted to just move out a month earlier and live in my car or something. I will assess how things go in the next week or two. If things get worse (e.g., more self-harm, severe PTSD symptoms, etc.), then off I go.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

HELLO FROM... WRITER'S BLOCK

I initially began this blog to talk a bit about my academic life. Well, sorry to say, I haven't really talking about it much. Maybe because I haven't been doing any work.

Here's my current situation:

So, one year later (from when I began on this dreary path) I am still plowing through my MA thesis. Well, more like trudging. Briefly, my thesis about death and photography. More specifically, lynching photography. While I'm completely invested in my topic, it has been very difficult to progress with it. Looking at photographs that are a result of racism is not easy to say the least. And to stare at them for months.... Well, it takes a toll. There have been several times I try to do my work and just break down crying instead. I sit down in an attempt to analyze them and I become overwhelmed: How do I articulate such violence? How do I even begin to do justice to these people who were subject to such pain? My desire is to keep trudging on. But I feel paralyzed when I look at these black and white images that so explicitly evidences a history of racial violence.

As far as how I'm doing otherwise, I'm actually a bit worried. My mood has been dropping steadily. I don't know what to do. I have my fingers and toes crossed, hoping this is not a longer episode and that this is just for a couple of days. But I feel my world slowly starting to fall apart. I can almost see the seams of this reality loosening. I don't feel like I have anyone to relate to or turn to right now. I feel scared and alone.