Tuesday, June 14, 2011

HELLO FROM... INSECURE

I feel like I'm drowning in my insecurities. This is not your average "Oh I wish I was skinny/pretty like her," and moving on in the next 30 minutes as that person walks away. This is more like "What the &!$%^# is wrong with me?!?! Should I jump off the bridge or stick my head in the oven? Slit my wrists or hang myself?"

So okay, maybe I don't plan on carrying out such plans. But they do definitely cross my mind during the height of such self-doubt. After something that rekindled my insecurity today I cut myself for the first time in MONTHS. I had been doing so well in that department. How can insecurity become this painful and crippling? How does it go from being those passing 30 minutes to causing my emotions dip to dangerous levels?

All from looking at magazines and entertaining the possibility that my boyfriend could find someone else besides me attractive. I know it seems absurd. But I have to say that the issue of incest has been resurfacing (after joining dailystrength.com's support groups and reading about others' experiences), and that I think my increased insecurity this past weekend is very much related to my emotions tied to the abuse and my PTSD. On one hand, this makes me feel somewhat relieved that I can tie my insecurities to a objective reason (struggle as I may with denial about the reality of it). I'm not just crazy. There's a serious explanation for this.

On the other hand, I've been having to deal with the incest issue and PTSD. Not easy when you live at home. I am planning on moving in the beginning of August for school, but am now tempted to just move out a month earlier and live in my car or something. I will assess how things go in the next week or two. If things get worse (e.g., more self-harm, severe PTSD symptoms, etc.), then off I go.

1 comment: