Wednesday, July 20, 2011


So, it's final!

I'm moving to the bay on the 18th of August. I had planned for the 12th, but I honestly couldn't imagine having a whole two weeks before school. I know for some this is small peas (is that the idiom?), but being alone is a huge trigger for me. It also would've made my next trip back to Los Angeles, three weeks instead of two. I talked it over with my mom and she agreed that it would probably be too much for me to handle all at once in the beginning. Plus, I really didn't feel like starting off an emotional wreck.

Things to do before I move:

- Finish my thesis (I don't know why I'm having such a hard time making this happen. I need to
just swallow my anxiety about perfection/failure and just DO IT. It's only two 20 page
chapters. I should technically be able to push it out in a week.)
- Research and find a long-term therapist and psychiatrist up north. Set up appointments. Also
make crisis plan just in case of emergency.
- Prepare for the class I'm co-teaching
- Create final schedule for fall
- Pack
- Spend time with friends and family

It's exciting, but scary too! Getting my PhD is a dream come true but I know that it won't be a cake walk for many reasons -- my mental health being one obstacle. Wish me luck and stability as I transition into a new chapter of my life!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011


I've been looking up info online about psychosis and schizoaffective disorder since I was diagnosed with it my last hospitalization. But I've also been diagnosed as bipolar II and I, and so I've been trying to figure out what the hell it is that I actually have. Even more so since I had a brief psychotic episode again about a week ago. I guess I never felt fully schizoaffective since my psychosis is very transient, though what I experience is indeed psychosis. But then again I never felt fully bipolar either since my "manic" episode don't exactly have me feeling euphoric. In fact it feels horrible. Well, I came across this great article that details Bipolar Psychosis and differentiates mania and mania with psychosis if anyone needs some info on it. Without further ado:

It's pretty comprehensive and gives specific examples that helps you understand the difference as well as explain how it is different from schizophrenia.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011


I made it. I made it through rough and difficult emotions tonight. No madness, no cutting, no being overly dependent on my boyfriend. No, I did this one all by myself with tears to spare. I was proud and excited for five minutes, before a pain settled in. Yes, this victory was a painful one. But in quite a different way than when I let myself be swallowed by insanity and self-destruction. It was the pain of loneliness. There is an utter loneliness in realizing that you got through something entirely on your own -- in the fact that you pulled yourself out of the trenches with your own herculean effort. Maybe for many there is only a feeling of triumph. But for me, there was also the overwhelming loneliness when I climbed my way out of the hellish burrows created by a life of war