Tuesday, October 18, 2011

On Friday, I decided to quit ED treatment. They required me to come in a minimum of three days a week, and I could only afford to come in for two. Well.... that's half the reason. The other, more honest half is that maybe I decided to give in to my eating disorder.

I couldn't handle being in treatment only three days a week and having all these issues brought up, and then being left to deal with it all on my own for four days. I don't know how to do that. If I did, I wouldn't be where I'm at. So, i figure it's 5 days or IP, and I wasn't ready to give up school for treatment. I know it would help in the long run, but I just am not willing to sacrifice my first semester of my PhD. I've had to drop out of school for hospitalizations before, and I don't want to do it again. I need to prove to myself that I can get through this. Besides, when have EDs ever been logical?

At first I was really sad and disappointed in myself for not being able to handle t. But I realized, I made a positive decision. I made the decision to commit myself to school. I have something I want to work hard at and am excited about. And that's a good thing. So the eating disorder may have won one battle, but I've won one too. And I'm okay with that for now.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

I'm sorry I haven't written in a really long time. School + treatment has been really overwhelming. I guess I haven't explained yet that I started a partial hospitalization program for my ED last Tuesday. I went full time last week, but I guess I'm technically intensive outpatient now due to my school schedule.

Treatment is insanely hard.

I don't know how to push through. I keep asking myself, for what? Someone please tell me what the fuck I am fighting for. When you don't love yourself, "you" is simply just not a good enough reason to keep on.

I've given up on recovery for the past two days. I'm still unsure whether or not I will let my eating disorder win.

All I know is that I just want to hide in a hole and disappear.