"Failure of a human being. Must starve." These are the thoughts that run through my head when I begin to feel a hint of sadness, anxiety, anger.
I know there's more to me than this. But somehow, I can't get past the horrible feeling of FAT.
And this exactly is part of the eating disorder. It protects you. It doesn't let you get past your skin. It doesn't let you acknowledge the depth that is under it -- the pain, the trauma, the horror of things past. Instead, your ED transforms these things into the superficial matter of BMIs, numbers on the scale, nutrition labels. The ED creates a barrier, to make these things manageable.
I know there's more to me than this, and this is the problem.
Now, to try and write 10 more pages before 4 PM tomorrow.